Disclaimer: Harsh Truth and Real Facts. If you are sensitive to real things and real life, do not read.
Today is Saturday, June 1, 2019.
365 days ago was Friday, June 1, 2018. It was the day my mending faith was rushed back into ICU and put on a ventilator. (I will tell the initial setback at a later date).
The day started off like any normal Friday. It was payday and I had good plans for the weekend – a hot date on Saturday and good church on Sunday. Within a matter of minutes, ALL of that came to a screeching halt. In an instant, my thoughts were all over the place, and my stomach had coiled itself into a double knot. I couldn’t cry like I wanted. So, what does any normal person do in the time of crisis? Don’t fall apart. Suck it in. Put on a smile. Lastly, strut around like nothing is wrong.
“God why? What the heck are you doing?” It just didn’t seem fair. I had never felt so alone. I was highly upset with God. You see, this wasn’t the first time God had let me down. This wasn’t the first time I felt like he walked away and left me alone in the dark and in the cold.
365 days ago, I felt alone and betrayed by God. I thought I was insignificant to him. I thought God wanted to make a mockery of me. 365 days ago, I was dressed in a mink of shame, wearing fear shades on my eyes, and I was using lies from the devil to plug my ears. 365 days ago, I said, “To hell with this. It’s not worth it. I give up and I’m leaving. I misheard God and that’s okay.” I came up with a better plan than God’s and it was time to execute this plan.
So, I called my big brother and sister in Missouri. Why. did. I. do. that? They keep me sane and level headed and that’s not what I wanted to be at that time. My sister immediately began to rebuke and refute my plan. She knew I would abandon this discomfort and revert to my comfort zone. I was ready to embrace familiarity, comfort and safety.
When they were done talking to me, my plans looked like a slice of swiss cheese. The plan was trash. But, I still didn’t know what to do. I was mad with God and I really didn’t want to talk to him, because this was all His fault. So, I did what any frustrated, scared and lonely person could do. I cried. I cried and cried until my tears had tears.
365 days ago, Jesus disregarded my sense of entitlement, my heart entangled in rejection, with feelings abandonment, and he sent two angels to rescue me. 365 days ago, my life was flipped and turn upside down. I was gasping for air. My faith in God was flat!
365 days ago, I thought I was cursed. I was confused. I was hurt. I was scared. I felt alone, abandoned and the rejection I had been battling was winning big time. The scoreboard read, Rejection: 100, Maddie: 0. 365 days ago, two angels rescued me and took me into their home and loved on me and that was key to unlock the door to my healing and deliverance.
365 days later what I thought to be a curse, mockery, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, and rejection, was simply a blessing in disguise. 365 days later, my heart is healing and I’m being made whole. 365 days later, I see different. I know better. 365 days later, my faith in God is stronger. 365 days later, I’m learning my identity as a daughter of the King of Kings.
Jesus Christ, is the best thing that has EVER happened to me! He shows me daily, that HIS plan is way better than mine. You see, I’m not a believer (Christian) because it was taught to me or because I was brainwashed. I believe because: JESUS IS REAL!!!
The Bible is not a book of stories, but it is full of HIS truths and love. I’m a Christian because Jesus has done for me what no one else has. He has done for me what no one else could do. No pacemaker or cardiologist could fix the condition of my heart. No optometrist could’ve prescribed glasses to fix the way I saw things and people. No pill could heal my mind the way Jesus did.
Please DO NOT think I’m bashing doctors or medicine. Medical professionals are good and helpful people – that’s including therapists, counselors, and psychiatrist. I have a therapist and she has been a great help to me.
365 days later, I am PROUD to say, I am NOT the same! I am not a hostage to my past. The old me has dissolved and the new me is evolving. And this is all because of the goodness and power of Jesus Christ.
365 days ago, Jesus reminded me of Psalm 23 and Romans 8. I read them every day. On this night before I went sleep, he assured me so softly, “You are not alone. I am here with you and I have a great plan. Will you trust me and follow me?” With tears streaming down my face, I nodded gently and he said, “Now, sleep in peace, my daughter.” And with that, I was knocked out!
To Be Continued…