365 Days

Disclaimer: Harsh Truth and Real Facts. If you are sensitive to real things and real life, do not read.

Today is Saturday, June 1, 2019.

365 days ago was Friday, June 1, 2018. It was the day my mending faith was rushed back into ICU and put on a ventilator.  (I will tell the initial setback at a later date).

The day started off like any normal Friday. It was payday and I had good plans for the weekend – a hot date on Saturday and good church on Sunday. Within a matter of minutes,  ALL of that came to a screeching halt. In an instant, my thoughts were all over the place, and my stomach had coiled itself into a double knot. I couldn’t cry like I wanted. So, what does any normal person do in the time of crisis? Don’t fall apart. Suck it in. Put on a smile. Lastly, strut around like nothing is wrong.

Smh.

“God why? What the heck are you doing?” It just didn’t seem fair. I had never felt so alone. I was highly upset with God. You see, this wasn’t the first time God had let me down. This wasn’t the first time I felt like he walked away and left me alone in the dark  and in the cold.

365 days ago, I felt alone and betrayed by God. I thought I was insignificant to him. I thought God wanted to make a mockery of me. 365 days ago, I was dressed in a mink of shame, wearing fear shades on my eyes, and I was using lies from the devil to plug my ears. 365 days ago, I said, “To hell with this. It’s not worth it. I give up and I’m leaving. I misheard God and that’s okay.” I came up with a better plan than God’s and it was time to execute this plan.

So, I called my big brother and sister in Missouri. Why. did. I. do. that? They keep me sane and level headed and that’s not what I wanted to be at that time. My sister immediately began to rebuke and refute my plan. She knew I would abandon this discomfort and revert to my comfort zone. I was ready to embrace familiarity, comfort and safety. 

When they were done talking to me, my plans looked like a slice of swiss cheese. The plan was trash. But, I still didn’t know what to do. I was mad with God and I really didn’t want to talk to him, because this was all His fault. So, I did what any frustrated, scared and lonely person could do. I cried. I cried and cried until my tears had tears.

365 days ago, Jesus disregarded my sense of entitlement, my heart entangled in rejection, with feelings abandonment, and he sent two angels to rescue me. 365 days ago, my life was flipped and turn upside down. I was gasping for air. My faith in God was flat!

365 days ago, I thought I was cursed.  I was confused. I was hurt. I was scared.  I felt alone, abandoned and the rejection I had been battling was winning big time. The scoreboard read, Rejection: 100, Maddie: 0.  365 days ago, two angels rescued me and took me into their home and loved on me and that was key to unlock the door to my healing and deliverance.

365 days later what I thought to be a curse, mockery, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, and rejection, was simply a blessing in disguise. 365 days later, my heart is healing and I’m being made whole. 365 days later,  I see different. I know better. 365 days later, my faith in God is stronger. 365 days later, I’m learning my identity as a daughter of the King of Kings.

Jesus Christ, is the best thing that has EVER happened to me! He shows me daily, that HIS plan is way better than mine. You see, I’m not a believer (Christian) because it was taught to me or because I was brainwashed. I believe because: JESUS IS REAL!!!

The Bible is not a book of stories, but it is full of HIS truths and love. I’m a Christian because Jesus has done for me what no one else has. He has done for me what no one else could do. No pacemaker or cardiologist could fix the condition of my heart. No optometrist could’ve prescribed glasses to fix the way I saw things and people. No pill could heal my mind the way Jesus did.

Please DO NOT think I’m bashing doctors or medicine. Medical professionals are good and helpful people – that’s including therapists, counselors, and psychiatrist. I have a therapist and she has been a great help to me.

365 days later, I am PROUD to say,  I am NOT the same! I am not a hostage to my past. The old me has dissolved and the new me is evolving. And this is all because of the goodness and power of Jesus Christ.

365 days ago, Jesus reminded me of Psalm 23 and Romans 8. I read them every day. On this night before I went sleep, he assured me so softly, “You are not alone. I am here with you and I have a great plan. Will you trust me and follow me?” With tears streaming down my face, I nodded gently and he said, “Now, sleep in peace, my daughter.” And with that, I was knocked out!

To Be Continued…

~MaddieCole

#FearFightingNinja

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Who Cares?

For fear of rejection (God rejecting them), Adam and Eve hid from God. We, too, try to hide our imperfections and things we don’t like about ourselves for fear of rejection. But remember God asked Adam and Eve, “who told you, you were naked?”
God is asking that same question today. We compare ourselves to others so much. We look at what they have, who they’re with, what they’re doing, who they’re doing it with, how they look, etc.  When we don’t look like what we see or what we’re told is “in” we go into hiding. But God loves us anyway. He accepts us. He doesn’t accept our sins. He tells us to bring our bodies, our filthy minds, and ways to him. He’ll cleanse us and we won’t have to worry about being rejected. Who cares about rejection when you are accepted by the creator?
~ MaddieCole
#FearFightingNinja

Quick Post: Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Keep faking it and you won’t make it. I promise you that! The theory of faking it until you make it is the detonator to immediate self-destruction. Be Real! Be real with yourself, first. Then, be real with others. If you feel like you’re suffocating, if you’re overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, etc. tell someone. Say it. Let it be known. Don’t keep faking it and pretending that everything is okay when it is not.

 

~MaddieCole

#FearFightingNinja

Vision

A year ago this particular Sunday, (July 23, 2017. I will never forget it), I entered a church here in Atlanta, Georgia. I was familiar with the ministry via live stream, but now I was there in the flesh. I remember making that right turn and riding onto the campus of this place I would soon call “home” and feeling a great sense of peace and safety.

Around this time last year, I had recently abandoned everything and moved by faith to Atlanta from Philadelphia. I was certain Jesus told me to leave and move, but I was clueless about everything else. I felt like an idiot and it didn’t help that I had family telling me the same thing. I was dealing with rejection amongst other things. I was encumbered with a load of care, as the hymnist so kindly puts it.

So, here I am at this church thinking, I’m just gonna sit in the back and just observe. HA! Jesus was like, Nope. Not gonna happen, my daughter.  The usher leads me all the way to the second row! How dare she? In true Maddie fashion, my eyes remained closed the entire service. LOL!! Sometimes, I have to laugh at myself. I get really shy when I’m in new places. As a child, they tell me I would walk around with my hands over my eyes. Smh. Silly, Maddie.

One year ago today, the preacher’s sermon was “You’re Anointed, But Not For That,” and he read the scripture 1 Samuel 16:10. Great Sermon! Had to be, right? It is a year later and I still remember everything. Most importantly, I remember what happened at the altar that day. While I was there talking to Jesus, the preacher touched me and said two words, “Fresh Vision.” Those two words held great significance to me due to a conversation I had with God earlier in the week.

As he prayed with me he said, “….As I lay my hands on you the Holy Spirit is flowing through you.” My legs did the dumbest thing and I couldn’t stand anymore. They just decided to dip out on me and not hold me up any longer.

“Let it go. Let it go. Come on! Come on!” He encouraged. I remember at that moment feeling peace and safety. I felt like it was okay to let the hurt go. I felt like it was okay to let the rejection go. I sensed “It’s okay Maddie, you’re safe here.” I sensed that strongly. But then I immediately became nervous because what the heck would I look like if I really became relentless? YIKES! I don’t know these people! LOL!!

He then tells me to let my past go. Which was so true. But, it was definitely easier said than done. A year later and I’m still letting it go.

Here’s the significance:  A year ago that man, spoke FRESH VISION over me and told me God was healing me. Today, 365 days later I’m in church (not the same church due to unforeseen circumstances, but definitely a God strategy, so we’ll go with it) God tells me, “I’m healing your vision.” WOW!  I began to weep and tremble and fall to the ground. A year later, God mentions vision to me again?!

A year ago today after that altar call I remember hearing the word “Safety” on repeat. When I asked God about it, he said, “You’re safe here.”

This is all significant why? Near the end of 2016 and the majority of 2017, I kept seeing a vision of a naked girl. She was scared/afraid and alone. I remember seeing the tear roll down her cheek. She often tried to cover herself with her arms and kept her legs cross. She was very protective of herself and didn’t want anyone to see her most vulnerable area. A few times I would see her standing in the rain. She could never cover herself and this upset her more. She felt much shame and guilt because she was this way and she couldn’t change it.

Well, that particular Sunday, this Sunday a year ago, July 23, 2017, I thought about that girl. I know that girl was me. I knew God had called me to unite with this assembly because a month later after I officially joined, I had a vision of the girl again. This time she was clothed and a vine was wrapped around her. She wore the vine like a sash and she was smiling.

Why did I write this reflection? A year later, although I’m not near my “safe haven,” I see something in me that I didn’t see a year ago. A year later I see that I am not the same. I see who I was back then and I see how God has changed and is changing me. Today, something strange happened to me in church. I can’t explain it at all. Actually, this whole weekend has been amazing, and I’m so grateful to God for loving me even when I didn’t love myself.

I wrote this reflection to encourage myself and maybe to anyone who reads this, Keep Trusting God. I’m watching him bring things full circle. I’m eager to SEE what he has up his sleeves!

 

~MaddieCole

#FearFightingNinja

Quick Post: The Comeback

It has been a month since my last post. It has been 8 months since I stopped writing (probably longer than that). A few days ago, I realized my journal had so many blank pages. I immediately became sad. I was so disappointed in myself. Writing is my therapy and my outlet. The “I’ve been so busy” lie wasn’t going to cut it this time. Before I could get real deep in my hurt feelings, my friend texted me, “How are you?” Well, I clearly had to tell the truth. Her response was so encouraging and I followed her advice and began writing. I filled up quite a few pages that night.

A few days ago my sister shared with me her prayer for me.

SN: she is the sweetest thing since the birth of chocolate.

My sister prayed that I would be more confident in general and be more diligent with writing. After praying together and have some alone time with Jesus, I’ve decided to get back on board with giving fear a black eye. The whole purpose of starting this blog was to give fear a black eye and that’s what I’m going to do, gosh darnit!

I will overcome and defeat the pesky, debilitating spirit of fear.

Take a listen to this song, Chainbreaker by Zach Williams. I absolutely love Zach Williams. This song has been such encouragement. My Jesus is definitely a prison shaking savior!

 

~MaddieCole

Something New

I don’t want what the enemy stole.

I want something new.

I don’t want something refurbished.

I want something new.

I don’t want something that had his grimy paws on it.

I want something new.

I don’t want what the enemy stole, it smells like him. No, thank you. You ever go to someone’s house, or they give you something out of their house and it has the odor of their home embedded in the artifact? That ’s how I’ve always felt about reclaiming things the devil stole.

Just go on and give me something brand spanking new

I’m talking about for Madeline…

Anyone else can go get what he has taken from them,

but as for Madeline Coleman? Give me a new thing

Clean… Fresh off the shelf… Untampered with… Just NEW.

 

“Give me my joy back.” Nope. I want new joy! You’ve had it for so long and you’re so bitter, that it’s not even joy anymore! Nope. I want new joy!

“Give me my security back.” Nope. Dawg, you had that for so long it smells like moldy asbestos basement….Jawn got cobwebs on it and what not! Naw, playa! You keep that. The old security was found in something other than Jesus Christ anyway.

I want something new.

Lord, I want brand new security

rooted and embedded in you.

 

When you place a car seat in the car, you have to SECURE it. If you don’t, with every turn or abrupt stop that seat and baby will slide all over the place. You get in a car accident and your baby will fly out of the car seat through the front window. You have to SECURE it.  That’s what I want; my heart and mind SECURE in Jesus Christ.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. 

I dare NOT TRUST the sweetest frame, but WHOLLY lean on Jesus name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand, ALL other ground is SINKING sand.

The other ground ain’t sure! LOL! The other ground isn’t secure enough!

When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace. In every high and stormy gale, my ANCHOR HOLDS within the veil.

 

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~MaddieCole

 

7 Days

Seven days ago I took a big leap of faith and followed the directions of the Lord. I moved away from my family and all familiar things.

Yup, I stepped out of my comfort zone and entered into the world of the unknown. As I soared above my city, my home and everything I’d ever known, I realized… You stupid Idiot! What the heck were you thinking?! LOL!! Before I left I felt like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane… Lord are you sure you want meee to do this? I doubted and I tried to offer him another way of doing this. While packing I was trying to reason with the Lord, but I knew in my heart this is what I needed to do.

After three years, God had finally made a way and it was clearly evident it was time to put my faith to action. I’ve waited three years for this moment and it was DEFINITELY NOT the way I imagined it would go down! I had a whole intricate plan of how this move would work out. With balled up fists, shaking them profusely, I frustratingly asked, “Jesus, what are you doing? You’re messing up my plans! Grrrrr!” Have you ever had perfect plans that Jesus crushed?? Yep, welcome to my world. LOL!

Although nervous, I continued to move forward. It was really weird. I was  simultaneously nervous, at peace and sure this was the right time to move. It has been seven days since I leaped and I know I look like a fool to many. I’ve been talked about and many have shared their disapproval. None of that compares to the joy I have knowing I am being obedient to Christ. It has been seven, whole, complete days and I’m grateful to be loved by an awesome God. It’s been seven days and I still trust the Lord. It’s been seven days and God has been taking care of me. It has been seven days and I’m looking forward to what’s to come.

#FaithWalker

~MaddieCole

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Transition

Disclaimer:  This should have been posted a little over 2 weeks ago, but I never hit “publish.” Oops! Sorry.

I have been going through a time of transition. My big sister told me it’s probably because I’ll be the big 3-0 in July. Lol! This transition has revealed to me that my faith and trust in God are on life support.

My question is,  “What is faith?”

Is it really faith when you wait for alignment? Is it faith when you require for all things to be lined in order and easy before you move? Or is faith when you step out although you’re uncomfortable? Is it faith when you step out, unsure, uncomfortable, but trusting in God? See, I don’t think faith is supposed to make us comfortable. Stepping out in faith is a very unnerving move.
Would it have been faith if Peter stepped out on dry ground? No. The faith was him stepping out on the water. Water is not a solid, firm foundation.
What about Abraham? My favorite guy! He had faith to believe he was really going to have a kid at his age. All of his “stuff” had a form, but denied the power to produce, so how could he be potent enough to impregnate his wife? Sarah, she didn’t have faith, to begin with, she laughed. I can’t blame her, I would have laughed too. I’m going to have a baby at my age? All my eggs went “through” me already. Forget 28 days, I passed the last one 28yrs ago! I am not having a baby. God finally took a nap and woke up delirious. This is probably how Sarah felt. She was surely embarrassed when little Isaac kicked her for the first time.
But my favorite story of faith is when God told Abraham to pack, leave his family and all familiar things. Abe didn’t know where he was going, but he trusted God. I have so much respect for this man. When it was probably inconvenient, he still did it.
I find it strange that people teach faith, preach faith, but when it comes to putting faith to action they freeze up. It seems that if it causes discomfort, then it’s not God. God ONLY calls us to do or live comfortably. Hmmmmm… I don’t think so.
I rarely share my visions, but this one I think is worth sharing.
Back in early May, I went to “the garden” to pray. LOL! It’s really this cool park in Northeast Philly where I would go and talk to Jesus. This particular day it was raining Bulldogs and frogs so I couldn’t get out of the car. While I’m laying down I see this pack of flies swarming around the handle of the back passenger door. I tried to get in the car, but I was afraid of the flies. I extended my hand to grab the handle, but then quickly snapped my hand back towards my chest. I thought this was real, so with my eyes still closed I sat up, but God said, “No, I’m trying to show you something.” I laid back down and saw the flies again swarming around the handle. I repeatedly reached out for the handle, then pulled my hand back. I couldn’t get in the car. There were too many flies and I was afraid. It clicked to me… Madeline, the flies are more afraid of you than you are of them. If you reach out and touch the handle they will fly away.
I opened my eyes and said, “What the heck was that?!” Long story short, God told me “I’m trying to take you somewhere, but you are allowing fear to prohibit you from getting in and going for the ride.”
I’m going to take this big leap of faith and trust God. It’s time for me to be obedient and give fear a black eye!
~MaddieCole

Because He Lives

Today is Easter. For many, today is about the colorful hard-boiled eggs that taste great but leaves you with funky breath, egg hunts, candy, and bunnies.  In the Christian community, it is better known as,  Resurrection Sunday.

I don’t really get hung up on today’s heading. I don’t feel guilty for planning egg hunts, taking children to egg hunts, and participating in the seasonal activities. You won’t hear me calling them “resurrection eggs” nor will you ever hear me say, “I’m hosting a Resurrection Egg Hunt.” In my heart, I know this is the season we celebrate his death and his life. Today, we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  No, he isn’t dead. He is very much alive and through faith, his spirit lives in all who believe and accept him.

So in the spirit of the season, I was singing the hymn, “Because He Lives.” As I sang the chorus, I began to cry. Yeah, it was a total shocker to me too. I slowed down and began to think about the words. Oh. My. Gosh. This little hymn that is sung every year during this time has enormous meaning.

Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future 
And life is worth the living 
Just because He lives

Here are my thoughts.
BECAUSE JESUS LIVES, I CAN. BECAUSE JESUS LIVES, ALL FEAR IS GONE.  He holds my future. Life is worth living.
Because Jesus lives I can face tomorrow:  Because Jesus, we can. He gives us strength to do things that are impossible for us to accomplish (Philippians 4:13). This means we don’t have to worry about any inadequacies. We can face tomorrow. Don’t think you can’t take another day. If you are reading this thinking and/or feeling like you can’t take this life another day, I’m here to say yes, you can. You can face ALLLL the tomorrows because Jesus lives.
Because Jesus lives ALL fear is GONE:  All doubt, worry, discouragement, discontentment, low self-esteem, low confidence, rejection, fear of rejection are GONE. Poof!! Disappeared! They’re outta here! They’re non-existent.
Because I know He holds my future: Only Jesus knows our future (Jeremiah 29:11). Our names are written on the palms of his hands (Isaiah 49:16).  We can’t be bound by what we are or who we are right now. We can not allow our current circumstances to dictate our future. It won’t always be like this. Jesus Christ holds my future, your future, our future in the palms of his hands, so we have no need to worry what tomorrow will bring. Just trust in the one who holds the future.
Life is WORTH living:  Please don’t take your life because things are bad right now. Don’t be distraught. Don’t feel like things won’t work out and you’re stuck like this. Don’t feel like you’re an accident. Don’t take your life! Your life is worth living! You’re worth every blood he shed and every tear he cried. (Romans 5:6-9) Don’t take your life. Get up off that floor, put the pills away, put the knife, gun away, whatever tool you’re thinking of using… Don’t do it. Why?
(answer below)
BECAUSE  HE LIVES! He died so we wouldn’t have to die. He did it already. He was bruised, beaten, spat on, shamed, embarrassed, harassed and murdered just for YOU and I. Then he came back to life with all power and authority over death, hell, the grave, our doubts, our fears, our insecurities, our discontentment, our discouragement, our financial woes, etc. My life, Your life, Our lives are worth saving, that’s why Jesus came. That was his purpose and that is his purpose; to save those who feel lost/who are lost. Jesus has found you. He lives! Take his hand and accept eternal life through him. It’s only through the living savior you can find peace. BECAUSE. HE. LIVES.
I looked up the definition of the word “because.” According to Google, it means “for the reason.”
The REASON He lives: so we can live abundantly, fearlessly and without limitations.
That wraps up my random thoughts on an old hymn. Hope you were encouraged by this as much as I was. I will never sing this hymn the same way again.
~MaddieCole

Time Heals ALL Wounds

Wow! It’s been a whole month since I posted anything. Shaking my head. I really must do better. This will be a quick read.

Warning: This will make you think. It made me think.

I was watching television and the man on tv said, “Time doesn’t heal all wounds.” Yes, you read it correctly. This man said, “Time Does NOT heal all of your wounds.” If you’re shocked by his statement, you’re not alone, so was I.  Honestly, I had a little bit of an attitude. How dare you dismantle the validity of something I’ve believed in all my life? Bah-humbug to you, sir.

I tuned him out and began to think. Hmmm… Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds. See, all of my life and maybe yours too, I’ve been told, “Time heals all wounds.” However, as I began to ponder, I realized what I thought was true for years was merely a fallacy.

Think about it. Time does nothing. It goes on and on and on and on and… well you get the picture. If you’ve been wounded and never talked about or dealt with your wounds it doesn’t get better over time. You will just become bitter. Think about it. You’re on a hike and you get bit by a poisonous snake or you fall and cut yourself, would you shout out, “I’m fine. I’m going to let time heal this wound?” No. You want and need medical attention, immediately. My mom has had a swollen knee for months now.  She believes in time it will go away. *insert side eye* As of this moment her knee is still greatly swollen. Sometimes it is hard for her to walk or put any pressure on the knee. Time is moving on and her knee is still looking like a melon.

Time isn’t a cure-all. You have to deal with the issue. “Time heals all wounds” is a cowardice mentality to not DEAL with the issue. Loss of a loved one? Time heals all wounds. No! Go to grief counseling. Infidelity in a romantic relationship? You break up or stay. Time heals all wounds. No. If you don’t deal with the hurt you’ll be a bitter person and/or constantly attract people who won’t commit to you. Shoot, it might turn your heart cold and you’ll be that calloused person who doesn’t care about anyone’s heart because no one cared about your heart. Adultery in a marriage? Leave or stay. Time heals all wounds. Lie. Y’all Better take your TIME and go through counseling. Rejected by parents? Time heals all wounds. Lie. You have to deal with it. Bullied in school? Time heals all wounds. Lie. Deal with it. “Time heals all wounds” is a lie. You have to deal with the root of the problem. Talk it out, confront (not with your fists or any weapons) those who wounded you. Time causes for things to fester. Time opens the door for bitterness, fear of rejection, and anger/rage. Don’t just move forward without dealing with what hurt you.

Time heals? Hmmm…

Time to talk. Time to open up. Time to get help.

~MaddieCole

 

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